Mother and Daughter
I am writing a memoir of my crazily wonderful life and was just reading through some stuff I wrote a while ago. It was free writing and for me, that brings up topics and ideas I would not normally think of. This time it was – how I will do what I need to do?
Acting had come back into my life and I didn’t know what to think of that. I didn’t believe last night’s meeting was a coincidence. It flowed too well. Not that I think I have the job, but he sure wants me to do it.
Where am I going? I’m confused. Don’t know if I should do this show even if I get it. There’s so much going on right now. All of a sudden I’m not comfortable in my own chair. I won’t say no. I can’t say no. Don’t know why but I’m incapable. I’m hungry. For what? For all life offers. Whatever I can get to do.
Is it driven by the need for applause? Perhaps, but it seems cleaner than that. I love doing all this stuff. Love new challenges. Am open and willing to take them on. Not as willing with some other things. Then I hold back and feel my way. Sometimes the initial glow has passed and I don’t know if I want to be involved any more.
What do my insides want me to write today? What shall I delve into today? Where do I need to be? To ramble on or let my insides speak? But where do I go, I seem to be all over myself. How do I find a starting place? I close my eyes and listen.
My first thought is love for a mother for her daughter. Strange. Do I doubt my mother loved me? No. I believe she didn’t know how. And for that – I suffered. She wanted the best for me, but it was her best, her way and having no connection with what or who I was or wanted to be. I can understand and forgive that. I was to live as she did. But she was broken. I tried to love her to the best of my ability. I also hated her for what she did.
Does anyone out there have the same feelings? And – would anyone be interested in forming a group of memoir writers to support each other?