SEARCHING CHILDHOOD TO UNDERSTAND TODAY A puzzle always starts with ‘begin here.’ For a Jigsaw it’s the corners. But when it’s your heart where do I begin? Deep in my body, in my gut and my abdomen. All broken, needing to be fixed. Child inside, if you are truly there then speak to me. Tell me of your sorrows, your disappointments, and hurts. I know there are many. I want to know your anger, your bitterness at having to fight for anything you needed. I want to know what it felt like to bring yourself up, to have no direction or help from our parents. I want to know your loneliness, your disappointments, your struggles, your fears. I know you are still in me and afraid. There is no more need for fear. They are gone and we are here. We survived. Not only did we survive, but we’ve made a good life, a great life. What is missing now is an understanding of what we went through during those early years. Remembering will make us whole, will take away the fears and the depression, will allow us to move on to an even better life, free and clear and clean. What will it be like to clean out all that garbage, to put it to rest, to not carry the emotional baggage anymore? To have energy, to be able to eat normally, to feel freedom from all the issues we have carried around for these eighty-five years. I am sorry to have taken so long to get here. We have both suffered but not for lack of trying to figure it all out. We just needed to get to this place with the willingness to face it all. I cannot undo all those years. But we are here now and I am ready. Ready to hear it all, know it all. It is up to you. You are the one who endured it. I will not put pressure on you, you have had enough of that in your young life. I will wait until you are ready. Let me know when we can begin to write our memoir.
s your heart
First let me say I am sorry for not posting as I usually do. I am fine but am having severe headaches having Nothing to do with Any Virus.
I cry easily – I know that. Always have. But now I cry for those I see on TV who have the virus and died, for those who have the virus and are in the hospital, for those who are separated from their loved ones who are hospitalized.
All our lives have changed. Every one of us. Some in different ways. Ways we never imagined before. Ways that bring anxiety. Can I shop? Can I go to the Post Office? All the news is about the virus . About not having jobs or money. How do we learn to live this way? Will this be forever?
How many of us choose to move through this experience with serenity? Not many that I spoke to. The opposite of serenity is anxiety, not a state that is healthy to be in for a long time. There is help! A Simple Way to quiet the turmoil inside
Choose to make an Altar. Yes, an altar. Here is mine.
It does not have to be complicated or difficult, or based on a religion or a set of ideas that don’t relate to you. It can be a simple altar, a personal expression of what you want to focus on right now. You don’t have to build anything or take up a lot of space. You don’t have to buy anything or follow a complex set of instructions. All you need is to have a general understanding of what an altar is and the willingness to allow yourself to access this ancient tool.
It simply serves as a resting place for meaningful objects. It focuses the eye and provides a place for contemplation and, if so desired, ritual. All of which can be quite simple. One idea is a pot with a bulb planted in it and set on a box. Living things can act as a reminder that things bloom in their own time. You might choose to write things on scraps of paper and place them in or under the box, or in an envelope next to it. A candle, flowers, most anything that catches your eye – any household objects – which comes from intuition or intention works well.
It is not necessarily the objects you place at you altar – it is the time you spend with them daily, taking this time as sacred to you to gain the quiet inside necessary to get through this time.
I want to thank you all for staying with me and following Elisha’s Story. I also want to let you know that Elisha is the main character in my book, Mountain of Full Moons and if you would like, you can read her whole story and find out what happens to her as she is banished and travels through Palestine. Her adventures are many, both good and bad and eventually she does return home, her heart in her mouth, not knowing if she will ever be acceptable there.
The book is now on Amazon for pre-ordering and will launch on April 14.
Thanks again. I hope you had as much fun as I did following Elisha’s problems and antics.
We wish for you to be a
person of character
strong but not tough,
gentle but not weak.
We wish for you to be righteous
but not self-righteous
honest but not unforgiving.
Whenever you journey may your steps be firm
and may you walk in just paths
and not be afraid.
Whenever you speak, may your words
be words of wisdom and friendship.
May your hand build
and your heart preserve what is good
and beautiful in the world.
May voices of the generations of our people
move through you
and may the God of our ancestors
be your god as well.
We love you very much.
Noah laughs and laughs and laughs. He will be One Year Old on April 10.
One serving of butternut squash has:
- More than 100% of your daily requirement of vitamin A
- Nearly 40% of your daily requirement of vitamin C
- About 15% of your daily requirement of magnesium
- About 18% of your daily requirement of potassium
- About 5% of your daily requirement of calcium
One serving of butternut squash is roughly 87% water, which helps keep you hydrated.
Classic Butternut Squash Soup
2 Tbsp. Extra-virgin olive oil
1 carrot, diced
I celery stalk, diced
1 onion, diced
4 cups cubed butternut squash, fresh or frozen
½ tsp. chopped fresh thyme
4 cups broth
½ tsp. sea salt
½ tsp. ground black pepper
Heat in a large soup pot over medium heat. Add carrot, celery, and onion. Cook until vegetables begin to soften and onions turn translucent 3-4 minutes. Stir in the rest of the ingredients. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer until squash is fork-tender, about 30 minutes. Puree the soup and ENJOY.
I was pacing, jumpy, unable to settle down. I wanted to do something and didn’t know what. I’d like to write but my head’s empty. The guy’s coming to fix my bathroom but that’s not for another 45 minutes. What to do in the meantime? This was how my days went. Little or no direction unless I made one up.
Today feels different and I’m not sure why. I force myself to sit down at the computer hoping words will come. “Just write,” I tell myself, “it doesn’t matter what.” Two words go through my head, nothing and enough. It isn’t like I did nothing with my life, it just feels that way, like it’s never enough. I had a modest career as an opera singer and got to sing in major opera houses and with almost all of the prestigious names in the business. I was fortunate to sing major roles with all most of the smaller opera companies in every part of New York State. I loved singing; I didn’t always love doing smaller roles. No, it wasn’t ego. It was the need to express emotions inside I couldn’t get out of me any other way.
I established an office as an agent for opera singers and relevant personnel, a business I gave up because it wasn’t satisfying. I gave it to a woman who was interested and moved on to my next career – singing and acting as a ship’s hostess on cruise ships. That lasted for a few years. I loved the glamor, the gowns every night, the caviar and turtle soup, free use of the beauty shop, and free drinks. Who could ask for more? Me. Life there was so much like a fantasy that I finally walked away, realizing that I missed my family and needed to have my feet on the ground.
After settling in at home I go through a major existential crisis followed by an awakening that sends me back to school to finish my bachelor’s degree and go on to get my Masters while studying a different kind of psychology called Psychosynthesis. I work in the field of addictions and think I found my place. I do my Ph.D. in psychology and holistic healing when I come across another kind of therapy that integrates voice, movement, and breathwork. Voice Movement Therapy combined interests I had throughout my life. The two-year course is stimulating and provocative until the last module. The founder and trainer shows the class his true colors. He methodically attacks and demolishes everyone in the room. Since this horrendous experience, I am not able to use the material I learned.
The big question that constantly rears its head is, “What do I want to do with the rest of my life?” I say out loud, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” That’s the one I can’t answer. I’ve asked that question for years. My family laughs it off and moves on to the next topic. It’s not that I have nothing to look forward to. I fill up my time with things I love to do – singing in musicals, acting in plays, doing commercials, and see my psychology clients three days a week.
I cut back after having a full-time practice when my father dies. I need to grieve my own way. I start writing and although it helps, it’s not enough. All of it together is not enough. Is this how I’m supposed to finish out my days? Tears well up, so I knew there is something else. A major change? A grand move? I consider going to Afghanistan or Costa Rica to volunteer and work to help empower the women of those countries. My deep desire is to help women who have no voice. Perhaps I identify with them and want to show them the possibilities of a different existence. My dissertation was about helping women find their voices through movement and sound work. I didn’t think this was the kind of work the women of third world countries need. I didn’t presume to know what they needed but whatever it was, I wanted to learn and help.
Am I being a drama queen? Am I immersed in my own grandiosity to think I could do this? Can I survive in the conditions in which they live? What will I learn and how will it change me? Will I go and be disappointed? Will I be able to help at all? A million questions go through my head with no answers. And the fear of making such a change, such a commitment holds me back from deciding.
When will there be enough? Enough applause, enough awards, enough recognition to satisfy that attention-starved little girl who still lives inside me and needs to know she exists. Not just exists physically, but as a person with feelings, thoughts, ideas, hopes, and dreams that are valid.
The problem is I don’t know how to do this and keep everyone’s emails safe. I need the email to get in touch and have the address to send the book and gift.
If anyone can help me please let me know. About 100 books are waiting.
Please reply to this email if you can help.
THE BOOKS LISTED BELOW ARE ONES I READ. SOME HAVE MARKINGS OR HIGHLIGHTING, VERY FEW ARE OLD AND YELLOW. THEY ARE ALL IN READABLE CONDITION SO….
THIS WILL BE FIRST COME – FIRST TO GET – SO JUMP IN, SIGN UP ON MY BLOG SO I HAVE YOUR ADDRESS AND CAN MAIL YOUR CHOICE.
And HAPPY READING
The first to sign up will also receive another small gift.
JUST FOR FUN READING
- DOUBLE CROSS, by Sam & Chuck Giancana
- BILLY BATHGATE, by E.L. Doctorow
- ECHOES, by Maeve Binchy
- CRISIS POINT, by Ken Currie
- THE GENERAL’S DAUGHTER, by Nelson Demille
- THE CHARM SCHOOL, by Nelson Demille
- SUITE 606, by J.D. Robb
- THE PARSIFAL MOSAIC, by Robert Ludlum
- THE SICILIAN, by Mario Puzo
- SHADOW OF THE STORM, by Debra Dier
- PRAYER FOR THE DEAD, by David Wiltse
- THE TWO MRS. GRENVILLES, by Dominick Dunne
- THE HOUSE BY THE SEA, by May Sarton
- SHAMAN, by Noah Gordon
- BACK TO EDEN, by Jethro Kloss
- TERRORIST, by John Updike
- COLD MOUNTAIN, by Charles Frazier
- FUGITIVE PIECES, by Anne Michaels
- DRESS YOUR FAMILY IN CORDUROY & DENIM, by David Sedaris
- THE SALAMANDER, by Bayard
- THE LINCOLN LAWYER, by Michael Connelly
- ASHES TO ASHES, by Tami Hoag
CRAFT OF WRITING
- THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE, by William Strunk Jr & E.B. White
- THE WRITER’S GUIDE TO CHARACTER TRAITS, by Linda N. Edelstein
- MEMORIES, MILESTONES & MEMOIRS, by Emily Rosen
- I GOTTA CROW, WOMEN, VOICE & WRITING, by Jill Hackett
- BODY LANGUAGE, by Julius Fast
- READING LIKE A WRITER, by Francine Prose
- 20 MASTER PLOTS & HOW TO BUILD THEM, by Ronald B Tobias
- THE WRITER’S JOURNEY, by Christopher Vogler
- THE PLOT WHISPERER BOOK OF WRITING PROMPTS, by Martha Alderson
- WIRED FOR STORY, by Lisa Cron
- BREAK INTO FICTION, by Mary Buckham & Dianna Love
- THE ART OF FICTION WRITING, by Emily Hanlon
- WRITING DOWN THE BONES, by Natalie Goldberg
- WRITING THE NATURAL WAY, by Gabriele Lusser Rico
- PROPOSALS THAT WORK, by Lawrence F Locke
- HOW I SOLD 1 MILLION E-B00KS IN 5 MONTHS, by John Locke
- WRITING YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF, by Lois Guarino
- THE ARTIST’S WAY, by Julia Cameron179 WAYS TO SAVE A NOVEL, by Peter Selgin
- OLD FRIEND FROM FAR AWAY, Memoir
- PRACTICE OF WRITING MEMOIR, by Natalie Goldberg
- MORE, A Memoir of Hungers, by Sara Truit
- MEMOIR, by Judith Barrington
- INTIMATE READING, The Contemporary Women’s Memoir, by Janet Mason Ellerby
- THE ART OF HAPPINESS, by The Dali Lama & Howard C Cutler
- THRESHOLDS OF THE MIND , by Bill Harris
- STOP YOUR CRAVINGS , by Jennifer Workman
- THE SOUL’S CODE , by James Hillman
- WATER DANCE , by Juliana Larson
- CROSSING THE UNKNOWN SEA , by David Whyte
- ARISTOTLE, NICOMACHEAN ETHICS , by Martin Ostwald
- THE REIKI TOUCH , by William Lee Rand
- ANAM CARA, A Book of Celtic Wisdom, John O’Donohue
- THE LIGHTWORKERS WAY, by Doreen Virtue, PH.D.
- AWAKENING THE HEART, John Welwood
- THE MIRACLE OF MINDFULNESS, by Thich Nhat Hanh
- TRANSFORMATION AND HEALING, Thich Nhat Hanh
- ANATOMY OF THE SPIRIT, Caroline Myss, Ph.D.
- FINDING COURAGE, by Irene Zahava
- AWAKENING THE HEROES WITHIN, Carol S. Pearson
RENEWAL, a time for you. Personal Journal, Deepak Chopra
My life pages, by Janet Conner
I am giving up hope. I hear my Abba and Ima talking about the council and what may happen to me. They have many choices while I have none. They can cut off my hand, shave my head, tie me to a post for days, and beat me until bones are broken. And no one can say a word against them.
Banishment may be the kindest thing they can do. I don’t want to hope for that. It might interfere with something less horrible I have not thought of.
What am I to do? My days are filled with anguish and a bad tummy. I shake all over as I try to obey Ima’s instructions. When will the torture end? Whatever their decision, I hope it comes quickly. It is hard to live this way, not knowing what will happen and how I will survive.
I am sorry to write all this to you but it is the truth – the way it is for now and I don’t know how much longer. If you do not want to hear from me anymore I understand. I wouldn’t want to hear it either.
I will let you know as soon as I find out and thanks for being my friend.
If you don’t hear from me it will be because they chose death.
Pray for me.
Mountain Of Full Moons is now available on Amazon .